Unemployed Emotions

Nearly useless day so far. The only usefulness is that I did an hour of P90X. I need to call and ask for copies of my reviews and anything else in my file, but I am really nervous. I get like this. Nervous about something that I imagine will only be about a 5-10 minute conversation at most. Probably less. But now I almost don't want to know. I have worked myself up into thinking of every possible thing I have ever done at work. I am irrational in some ways today. My workout did not work. I know the only solution is to make the call and stop worrying.

In my head, I know that I should be fine, but I know that I'm not. For instance, normally I am hungry. Normally, I am starving by 10:30 in the morning, even if I had something earlier that morning. No way I could skip dinner last night and still not be hungry at 2:30 this afternoon. And I worked out... so two hours after that, I should be really hungry. Well, that's when my mind finally kicked in and said that I should ignore the normal "only eat when hungry" and recognize that I need to eat something. Struggled through half a chicken breast and a handful of fresh green beans. At least eat healthy, right?

I am over my immediate "share with the world" moments that I always have when my life gets turned upside down. Now I want to close in to only those people I already told. It started to happen a bit yesterday. I couldn't tell the cop or the guy in the car I hit that I had just lost my job. I know shutting discussion down is ungood, but I also have wandered more into and embraced the shamefulness of losing a job.

Ty has texted me this afternoon, which is really helpful. We're gonna have lunch tomorrow. I kinda imagined that no one would talk to me afterwards actually and I'm not past thinking that it'll end soon too. This is what I mean about the shamefulness. Like I am this office pariah that everyone would/should avoid. I am a bum in a tshirt, workout shorts under pajama pants, at home with my cat, blogging while watching season 2 of Breaking Bad. This is a nice day off, if it was a real day off and not the next several days... just weird.

Ok, step one: turn off tv. Step two: take shower (showers always wake the mind and lend clarity (at least for me). Step three: Make the phone call. Go from there. I'll report back later!

UPDATE: Voicemail... twice. And now that I think about it my file would be in the lock drawers behind my boss' desk, so can't get them yet anyway. More worry for tomorrow now.